if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
