Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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