Umm I'm too high to move.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
