Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
