I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
