Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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