He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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