I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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