fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
