I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
