Barsexuality is the new black.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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