Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
and you fell through a lawn chair
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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