I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
