Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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