im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
