i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my phone needs a breathalizer
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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