Can i not drive my cunt home
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
