using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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