just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
