oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
