U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
