Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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