omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
