It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
