I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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