Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
