I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's official drugs can't kill me
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.