The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
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he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?