i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.