Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?