so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in