How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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