We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
