Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
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He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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