I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Holy sore nipples Batman
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
