it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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