I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
