Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
