Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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