tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
