if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I deserve this hangover.
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