Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
