Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
