How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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