I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
