She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
