god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i drank out of a bidet.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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