Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
