I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
