Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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