I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
