he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I have aggressive nipples.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I would ride that face into the sunset
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
