Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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