My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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