just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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