your thong is hanging out like whoa
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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