this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
