guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
