I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
