the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
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I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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