I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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