Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
